New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
Emo Philips - America - Funny

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips - Funny - Religion

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips - Funny - School - Money

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips - Funny - Competition - Computers