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Funny Quotes from some of the leaders in investing, business, and finance. Includes quotes about being Funny , making people laugh, and being the funniest comedian.

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With the casino and the beds, our passengers will have at least two ways to get lucky on one of our flights.
Richard Branson - Casino - Lucky - Funny

We've long felt that the only value of stock forecasters is to make fortune tellers look good. Even now, Charlie and I continue to believe that short-term market forecasts are poison and should be kept locked up in a safe place, away from children and also from grown-ups who behave in the market like children.
Warren Buffett - Stock Market - Experts - Investing - Funny

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.
George Bushism -
Funny - Stupid - Peace

This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve. (said during "Perseverance Month")
George Bushism - Funny - Stupid - Persistence - President

It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet.
George Bushism - America - Funny - Stupid - Human Rights - Important - Life - Internet

It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be able to do so next fall, I hope
George Bushism - Politics - America - Funny - President - Government

They misunderestimated me
George Bushism - Funny - Stupid

I'm honored to be here with the eternal general of the United States, mi amigo Alberto Gonzales.
George Bushism - America - Funny - Stupid

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
George Bushism - America - Funny - Innovation

My pro-life position is I believe there's life. It's not necessarily based in religion. I think there's a life there, therefore the notion of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.
George Bushism - Religion - Stupid - Funny - Human Rights - Life - Belief
- Happiness

There's an old saying in Tennessee.. I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee.. that says: fool me once, shame on.. .. shame on you?.. .. Fool me.. you can't get fooled again.
George Bushism - America - Funny - Stupid

Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?
George Bushism - Funny - Stupid - Questions - Learning


I would like to thank all you Canadians for your warm welcome at the airport. Especially those of you who waved... with all 5 fingers.
George Bush -
Funny - Criticism

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired.
George Carlin - Great - Age - Funny - Society

So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.
George Carlin - God - Prayer - Funny - Luck - Wish

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens.. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
George Carlin - Funny - Abortion - People - Animal - Good - Food


Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these f**king people alone for Christ's sake. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians are just tossing them aside. You'd think they'd make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion.
George Carlin - Abortion - Religion - Christians - Gay - Jesus - Funny


I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill - Ugly - Funny

I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
Stephen Colbert -
Internet - Responsible - Trust - Funny

I just feel sorry for the people who only get their news from us because they’re missing half the joke. Yes, we do a joke on what the news is, but the other half is on how the news is reported. So, if they watch the nightly news or cable news program, they’ll enjoy our show more.
Stephen Colbert - Funny - News - Enjoyment - Jokes

I would say there’s almost nothing that can’t be mocked on a certain level as long as it doesn’t involve loss of life or deep human tragedy. I don’t think we ever looked at something and said that’s too ridiculous to make more ridiculous. Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit to stupidity. We can make everything stupider.
Stephen Colbert - Funny - Stupid


I stand by this man (President George W. Bush). I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound.. with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
Stephen Colbert - Funny - President - Politicians - America - Strength - Media - Crisis

I welcome opposing viewpoints, but I should warn you that you'll be facing off against the 2nd-place finisher at the 1981 Charleston County High-School Debate Tournament. And whatever became of that county champ who argued in favor of tractor safety modifications? Last time I checked, she didn't have her own show.
Stephen Colbert - Funny - Criticism


If it flies, floats or fornicates, always rent it.. it’s cheaper in the long run.
Felix Dennis - Funny - Money
- Frugal

Majority rule will only work if you're considering individual rights. You can't have five wolves and one sheep vote on what they want to have for supper.
Larry Flynt - Democracy - Rights - Funny Political

Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Bill Gates - Parent - Funny - Boring - Responsibility - Bills - Self Awareness

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting.
Bill Gates - Internet - Funny - Rich

People have told me about organized crime in the fashion industry, but I can't talk about that. I'm looking to stay alive.
Calvin Klein - Fashion - Funny - Fear - Crime

If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.
Bill Maher - Karma -
Funny - Hope - Funny Political

I think the biggest frustration about reviews is when they criticize your best bit. And then you go, “What the ****?” I remember when I was a comedian, I’d get a bad review and they’d always fail to say that the audience was dying laughing.
Steve Martin - Criticism - Funny - Best - Frustration


I love those hockey moms. You know, they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? Lipstick.
Sarah Palin -
Jokes - Funny

It's not my fault I'm a billionaire.
Clive Palmer - Billionaire - Funny

Frank Lowy is an institution in Australian sport but judging by this decision he might be visiting a different kind of institution. He has brought the game into disrepute. The sport should not be run by dictators like him.
Clive Palmer - Australia - Funny - Crazy - Insanity - Dictator - Sports

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
Emo Philips -
America - Funny

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips -
Funny - Religion

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips -
Funny - School - Money

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips -
Funny - Competition - Computers

I’m about being funny. If I can make a joke using profanity, I will. But for the most part, that can get awfully old and boring.
Howard Stern - Fun


Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
Jon Stewart - Politicians
- Funny - Love - Criticism

That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.
Jon Stewart - Politicians
- Funny

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain - Procrastination - Funny

If my son wants to be a pimp when he grows up, that's fine with me. I hope he's a good one and enjoys it and doesn't get caught. I'll support him in this. But if he wants to be a network administrator, he's out of the house and not part of my family.
Steve Wozniak - Funny - Jokes - Jobs


Quotations about being Funny and Humorous Quotations about being Funny and Humorous

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